True Friendship: A Freddie Mercury Story part 3

We stayed friends after that.  
Every time he came to see me he'd pick me up and swing me around like a rag doll, tickling me with his now trademark mustache.  I'd always give a squeal like a little girl, even though I was in my twenties.   
It was 1982 when I realized that my feelings for Freddie were changing.  At first I'd been a starstruck fan who couldn't believe how lucky she was that Freddie Mercury wanted to be her friend.  The feelings had become less fan girly and more friendly after our phone conversation.  
A little bit after that he told me his real name was Farrokh Bulsara, a fact I hadn't known.  He'd been afraid I'd look at him differently if I knew, and I gave him a hug and told him that in fact it made me feel closer to him to know.  
It wasn't until after 1982 started that I realized that I was in love with him.  It was a different feeling than it had been when I'd first met him.  These feelings were deeper.  I found I wanted to be around him all the time.  I wanted to keep holding his hand, I wanted us to snuggle like we sometimes did, for he was a very snuggly guy.  I wanted him to kiss my lips, for he'd only ever kissed my hand, forehead, and cheek.  I wanted to do things with him I never let myself think too hard on.  
One would think these feelings would cause me great joy.  Instead, when I first realized how I felt, my reaction was "Oh no! How could I let this happen? No, this isn't right at all!"  
I knew I wasn't who Freddie was looking for.  He'd confided in me a few times that he'd been going to several gay bars in search of a good time, but also because he wanted to find 'the one'.  I even went with him to one once, and got flirted with by a lesbian.  That had been flattering, but I felt bad when I had to tell her I wasn't into women. She'd understood, though, so that was good.  It was fun, dancing with Freddie there.  Mac had been a bit worried, but Freddie had assured him I would be ok.  I was, of course; I was with Freddie.
When I realized I was in love with him, my first feeling was fear.  
How was I going to tell him? I mustn't tell him, for if I told him I was afraid he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.  I was afraid he'd feel betrayed, or would think I would try to seduce him, or "turn him straight" or something.  That wasn't the case at all.  I loved him, and I wanted him to be happy...many times I tried to make the feelings go away.  Every time I thought I'd pushed them back, I'd see him again and he'd pick me up again and kiss my cheek, and he'd smell so good and be so charming I'd fall for him all over again.  
I struggled with these feelings for several months, and then the boys came for a long weekend.  They stayed with me and Mac (I was staying with him then, being between apartments at the time) and we all went to see a movie.
It was a re-showing of John Carpenter's "Halloween", and as usual, Freddie wanted to sit beside me.  We sat side by side in the dark watching the movie, and more than once he would grab my hand whenever Michael Myers would show up.  Once he even had to hide his face in my shoulder, which was when Annie was being strangled and then finally having her throat slit by Myers.   He was a bit braver when Linda was being strangled by the phone cord, and I think that was because he was prepared for more deaths.  He only squeezed my hand (hard) during that part.  I remember at one point, he leaned over and whispered, "My god, is this man immortal?", meaning Myers.  
I giggled and said, "Maybe"
At the end of the movie, when it was revealed that even after being shot several times, Michael Myers had gotten up and walked away, Freddie gasped and said, "Oh god, he's loose again!" That made me stifle a giggle and reach over to give him a hug.  He hugged me back and whispered, "Oh I don't understand how you can like these movies! They're so bloody scary!"
I shrugged, "I just do...they don't scare me, they entertain me."
The response I got was, "Oh, all right."
We went home then and hung out a bit before going to bed.  
I lay in bed awake, my heart pounding with the memory of Freddie's hand in mine, him hiding his face in my shoulder, the memory of him just moving around beside me.  I bit my lip, trying to squelch the feelings.  
Why...why why WHY had I fallen for him!? What kind of friend was I I took a few deep breaths to keep myself from hyperventilating.  
It's okay, I told myself...just don't tell him...just wait til they're gone...will they ever be gone?
A sudden knock at the door jolted me from my thoughts.  
"Come in?" I said in a shaky voice.
The door cracked open and Freddie's head peeped in.
"Melvin...did I wake you love?" he whispered.  
I shook my head, "No, I wasn't asleep," I said, wondering why he was there in my bedroom doorway.
"Oh, good....may I come in and snuggle with you? I'm...I'm afraid the movie we saw has given me a nightmare." he said, a very sheepish tone to his voice.  
I nodded, his sweetness making me giggle, "Sure, come on in!"
Freddie nearly raced over and jumped into my full sized bed with me.  He got under the covers and seriously snuggled up to me, making my heart begin to hammer.  
Before I could say anything he spoke again,"Did the movie give you nightmares too?"
I chuckled, "No....I just can't sleep." I told him.
"Hm? How come, darling?" he asked.  
I bit my lip...I couldn't tell him why I was having trouble sleeping.  But I didn't want to lie to him either...he trusted me!
I instead decided to change the subject.
"What was your nightmare? Was it gory?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't press the insomnia issue.
Freddie sat up a little, and I could see in the dark that his eyes were bright.
"No, it wasn't gory thankfully...have you ever had one of those dreams where you're being chased, and no matter how fast or hard you run, the person chasing you just won't go away?" he said.
I nodded, "Oh, was it one of those dreams?"
"Yes! I was walking down a small suburban street, why I've no idea, but...I looked back and there was Michael Myers....so I started to run, and every time I looked back, there he was just walking at his regular spooky pace and I tried to run faster, but he just kept...being there.  Then finally when I was running as hard as I could...I looked back and he was RIGHT behind me, raising his knife..and then I woke up." he said, giving a dramatic gasp and shudder at the end.
My eyes widened, "Oh wow, that does sound scary!" I said.
"It was," he nodded settling back down in the bed.  
I snuggled against his shoulder, assuming we were going to go to sleep now...except I still couldn't sleep, even more now because he was actually there.  
I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep.  He had an arm around me, but I wasn't sure if he was asleep or not.
After about five minutes he said, "Are you asleep yet?"
I shook my head, "Not a bit."
He giggled, "Me neither...god, I'm still terrified."
I hugged him "Well I'll protect you from the big bad Myers man." I said, which made him laugh as he hugged me close.  
A few seconds later he spoke again, "So...are you going to tell me why you can't sleep?"
My heart jumped into my throat and I heard myself squeak out, "Just...troubling thoughts..."
He nudged me up and looked into my face, "What sort of troubling thoughts, darling?"
Uh oh...I was in for it now...well...I can't lie to him, can I?
But something in me was still afraid to tell him.  
Looking down, I weakly squeezed out a whisper, "I'm afraid if I tell you, you'll want to leave this bed."
Freddie tipped my face up to look into my eyes.
"Lovie...I'm still frightened from my nightmare...the only things to get me out of this bed would be an earthquake, a tornado, or a massive need for a pee.  Otherwise I'm not going anywhere...all right?" he said softly.
I nodded, "Okay..." I said, taking a deep breath.  He sat there waiting patiently for me to go on.  Although he'd told me he wasn't going to leave no matter what, I took his hands tightly in mine just in case.  I took another deep breath and forced myself to say it.
"F-Freddie...I'm in love with you."  
He hesitated a beat and then began to laugh lightly, "Ohhh Melvin...I already knew that, lovie! You're like one of my biggest fans!" he said, hugging me.  
I gently pulled back, "No, I mean....I'm really in love with you...like not the way I used to be, but really!" I said, softly, but insistently.  
He gazed down into my eyes and when he spoke, his voice was soft, "Oh...can you tell me about it? What sort of feelings are you feeling?" he asked, so gently I began crying softly.
I took a couple breaths and kept hold of his hands as I explained myself.
"I...I j-just want to be with you all the time...I-I want to kiss you, I want to...do other things...I want to be yours...but...but I know I can't! I get it, and I understand why I can't be...I just don't know how to make these feelings stop!" I gasped, trying not to be too loud.  I didn't want to wake anyone.
Freddie pulled me into a fierce hug, "Ohhh darling..." he breathed, squeezing me tightly.  
I clung to him, gasping out sobs, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..."
He rubbed my back and stroked my hair as I cried.  He didn't speak at all during that time, and I think he was either trying to just let me cry, or he just didn't know what to say.  Either way I was becoming anxious to hear him say something.  
"Are you annoyed?" I asked as soon as I got myself under control.
Freddie gently nudged me back and kissed my forehead before asking softly, "Why would I be annoyed with you, Mel?" by then my eyes had adjusted to the dark enough so that I could see him quite clearly, especially in the moonlight.
"Because I fell in love with you...I was afraid if I told you, you'd feel betrayed." I whispered.  
"Betrayed? Lovie, why....why would you think I'd feel betrayed?" his voice miraculously got softer, and he got so close our noses were touching.  
"I was afraid you'd think I was trying to seduce you or something...or try to turn you hetero or something." I murmured.  
Freddie's face broke into a grin and he began laughing as hard as he could while still being quiet.
"Oh Mellie..." he said, and he began to rock me a bit as I sat there bewildered as to why he was laughing at this.  
Finally he nudged me back and planted a kiss on my forehead.
"Lovie, you don't have to worry one bit about me feeling betrayed by you falling in love with me.  I understand why you have...I mean, we're really close these days, aren't we? And truth be told, I knew that this might happen. The way we met, and the way we became friends, and I've been very much aware of how much you've admired me.  I knew it was only a matter of time before you fell for me." he said, smiling softly.  
"But I'm not what you're looking for! I understand...and I have to deal with it....but it still hurts!" I gasped, new tears in my eyes.  
He stroked the tears from my face, "How do you know what I'm looking for, Mel?" he asked, rocking me a bit again.  
"I'm a woman, Freddie...you're...looking for a man, right?"
Freddie sighed, resting his chin on the top of my head as he stroked my hair.
"Yes...in essence, yes I am...darling, I can't lie to you and tell you it'd work out between us...as you know, I've tried to be with women before...it...it just doesn't work, sweetie." he murmured.
I sniffled, "I know, Freddie...I know all of that, and I'm telling you I understand...but...you asked me why I couldn't sleep, and I'm telling you...y'know?" I said in a half whisper.  
Freddie bent down and kissed my forehead, "And that's more evidence that you're my friend...you tell me this, with such honesty, with tears and then you tell me you know and understand why it can't work...if you weren't my friend, you wouldn't have been afraid to tell me.  It's as you said, you would have tried to seduce me.  But you haven't." he said, gently rubbing my back.  
I clung to him and sniffled, "It still hurts, though...you're a hard man to get over."
He chuckled, "I imagine I am...but it's all right, darling...I'm just sorry I can't be what you want."
I pulled back again, "No, Freddie...don't apologize...don't ever apologize for being who you are.  I'm just a silly girl with a silly crush, and I don't want you to ever feel bad because of this." I told him seriously.
He sighed, "All right, lovie...though I don't agree that you're a 'silly girl with a silly crush', because I understand your feelings are very real.  I must say, for your age you're showing a tremendous amount of maturity.  Most twenty three year olds would be a bloody mess...I know I would have been." he said softly, "You must really and truly love me."
I nodded, "I do...I love you so much my chest is bursting all the time."
Freddie squeezed me tightly, "Ohhh Mel...you make me feel so special..." he breathed.  
I clung to him, "Freddie...I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but...can I just cry?" I asked.  
He bent to kiss my cheek before pulling me close and whispering, "Go right ahead, sweetie."
I broke down then, sobbing as quietly as I could while he stroked my back and hair, and rocked me gently.  I cried, breathing in his scent and feeling his hands stroking my hair.  I heard his heartbeat in my ear and after a little while I began to feel sleepy.  
When I was finished crying Freddie gently laid me down in the bed and snuggled in beside me.  I rested my head on his shoulder and he stroked my arms as we went to sleep.  It was altogether a really tender night, and I felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from me.  I still felt a little sad, but the fear of him shunning me was gone.  

The next morning I was awakened by Freddie kissing my forehead and gently shaking me, "Darling, I'm just popping to the loo, but I'll be right back, all right?"
He'd said that so I wouldn't wake up and be alarmed that he wasn't there...wasn't that sweet?
"Mm ok." I said, smiling softly.  
He nodded and left.  About two minutes later he came back and, seeing me still awake, did a mock scream and jumped into the bed with me again, glomping me for all he was worth.
I laughed out loud, by then figuring everyone else was awake now.  I hugged him tightly and whispered in his ear something I'd figured out during the short time he was in the bathroom.
"This is better," I said.
He pulled back, "What's better, love?"
"This...this, us being close friends without the sex...this is better." I said.
Freddie tilted his head and gave a confused smile, "Better...oh, d'you mean just being cuddle buddies?" he guessed.  
I nodded, "Yes...I have a secret, but don't tell Mac, ok?" I said softly before leaning up to whisper in Freddie's ear, "I tried to have sex a couple times with an old boyfriend before...it hurt so bad I never want to try it again."
Freddie blinked a couple times before reaching up and cupping my face with both his hands.
"Oh darling....it won't always be like that...c'mere." he said, pulling me in another huge hug.  As he hugged me he said softly, "Someday you're going to find a man who loves you the same way you love me...and you're going to never get enough of him, and you're going to be together always and have lots of babies...and it's not always going to hurt."
I hugged him close "Yeah...I guess you're right...but can we still be cuddle buddies?" I asked.  
Freddie gave me a squeeze, "Yes! I expect nothing less from my Melvin!" he said, hugging me tight.
I giggled before pulling back and saying, "And I expect you to find someone who loves you just as much, or even more, than I do!"
Freddie smiled and gave me a gentle kiss on my cheek, "I promise I will." he said his dark eyes shining.  
Before we got out of the bed I bit my lip and asked for one request.
"What is it, darling?" he asked, smiling playfully.
I bit my lip, "Um...well you really don't have to if you don't want to...but I've heard someone say before, that 'a kiss is just a kiss'...will you kiss me, Freddie...on the lips? I-I mean, I absolutely understand if you say no." I stammered.
Freddie grinned and for once didn't try to hide his teeth, "Sweetheart, I will kiss the daylights out of you!" he said.  He took my face in his hands and lowered his mouth to mine.  He pressed his lips against mine so firmly I felt those two front teeth against my mouth, but it didn't hurt.  
I'd been kissed before, but Freddie's kiss was so passionate and sincere that when it was over, I fell back against the pillows as if I'd been shoved.
Freddie laughed, "Did you like that, love?"
I nodded, "Freddie, I think that kiss'll last me for the rest of my life!"
He laughed again, "Why thank you, doll baby!"
"No, thank you!"
"C'mon, love, let's go see who's awake!" he giggled, grabbing my hands and pulling me out of the bed.
I ran downstairs with him, feeling happier than I'd felt in a long time.  I'd told him my feelings and we were still friends! In fact he and I got even closer after that.  That was the time during our friendship that I was the happiest.